To Be Continued...

It has been a month and a half since we began this journey together and the response I have gotten has been outstanding. At least every other day I have been sent an email or comment or even phone call from someone expressing to me how much this blog has meant to them in one way or another. In doing so, you may have created a monster.

I write all the time now. Every conversation I have with someone ends up as a small scrap of paper in my pocket with another title or subject to write about. I had one or two things I really wanted to cover and then it turned into this thing I can't control. After the first few, I started writing ideas down on post its and sticking them on the wall above my desk. I can no longer see the wall through the post its. I have some great articles to write still like; the Dear Future series, The Best Decision I Ever Made, Romantic Comedies: Fact or Fiction, and Why I don't dance but love to party. I look forward to publishing these for you all. However, for the next few weeks I will be taking a break from the blog.

If you are wondering why, it is mostly your fault. The first week I had 32 views on my page. Within a month I was getting 200-300 hits a day. Awesome. Enough to catch the attention of some friends in high places. I have been asked to attempt a book this summer for possible publishing. This has been a life goal of mine for a long time and I am excited about the chance to make it happen. I have never written a book before and since it will take more time to write, I have decided to dedicate my blog writing time to that.

I also will be taking the time this summer to enjoy my family and exploring my new state of California. So far I have scheduled camping trips, off road excursions, a hot air balloon ride, and I have made a few connections through the online dating websites. With all of this going on in the next few weeks, I feel it will make for better stories for me to share with you.

Thank you so much for your encouragement in this time. Remember, this is not goodbye, just a simple see you later. I will be posting again in September and I will keep you posted in the week prior.

Housebroken

The woman who beats out the competition and ends up with me is getting a better prize than she knows.

I come pre-trained.

I come from a home with a loving and rule enforcing mother and two opinionated and vocal sisters. I am well aware of what is expected from a gentleman in every occasion. I do not ask a woman her age, real hair color or shoe size. I always put the seat back down, hold doors open (when allowed to), and hold purses without complaining when asked. I am well acquainted with the seating selection provided outside of certain clothing store fitting rooms and rate the stores accordingly. You will be able to watch that cheesy chick flick when we go to the movies and I will buy you the large popcorn and not judge you for eating the entire thing before the previews are over. I encourage you to order real food on dates instead of salad and the dress you wore tonight makes you look amazing.

I know how to cook more than just grilled cheese and eggs. I love doing house work; painting, gardening, doing dishes, vacuuming, even windows. Dirty clothes go in the hamper and socks come off before getting into bed. You are the prettiest out of all the other women you know and most of the ones you don't (I will also not lie). Your opinion matters to me the most. I will wear the shirt you bought me for Christmas instead of my favorite t-shirt I've had since college. I ask for directions (most of the time) and I will stop for garage sales if you see something you want to check out.

None of this is made up or elaborated. It is just the way it is.

ie:

We all have people we look up to. Most of us guys if asked, would tell you our fathers are our heroes. To women, their mothers. But what if you have a selfish mother or a cruel or absent father? Do not think that will not impact you and your relationships.

Who taught you how to dress yourself, hold a spoon, or more complicated tasks such as driving or carrying on an adult conversation? The ones you looked up too. Hopefully you are not dressing like your father or have the same haircut, but the people around you, that you look up to, greatly influence you. I am not a psychiatrist and do not plan on taking that path, but I think we all know this to be true.

If you are on a team, you want to look like the other members on your team. You want to have the same goals and ideas for achieving those goals. We strive to be as much like the other guys as possible. The time we spend doing that is even called practice. We practice everything together. No one practices alone. One who does is commonly known as an arrogant prick (Brock Lesnar = tool).

If the people we have around us (parents, guardians, etc.) and the people we grew up with are angry or anxious, then we will more than likely drift that way. This also plays out in your relationships. I have seen this for myself. My parents are very loving, supportive, and affectionate. I too am this way. So when I came to be married to a woman not used to that environment, we struggled. Not that she didn't try. It was just something she wasn't used to. My examples played an obvious role in developing who I am today; parents that love me, missionaries willing to give it all up, and the list goes on.

Take a look around you. You are currently being influenced. My only hope is that it is in a positive way.

You Can Have It

This is not a picture of my room. But it might as well be. When my wife left me, she took a lot of our shared belongings. I don't mean to sound like one of those guys who cries about loosing everything, so don't jump to that. We had a lot of stuff. Too much if you ask me now, but back then our stuff is what made us who we were to other people, or so we thought.

We had an enormous house, far too big for just two people to be living in. In this house was all the best you could get. Everything was name brand. From our living room furniture to the soap dispensers in the guest bathroom, downstairs bathroom and master bath. Our yard was always taken care of (I love working outdoors) using the best mowers and grass seed. We had it all. At least as far as you could tell by looking at us, we had it all put together.

In reality we were broke, loosing our home and rarely talking to each other. When the stress became too much, she left and took her comforting things with her; the couches, bedroom set, car, along with several other things. I took my share of the belongings and sold them. Cheap. They meant nothing to me but a lie. I was poor. What good will my 52" tv do me with nowhere to plug it in? How can I justify driving this huge truck to work and back everyday when I don't haul anything?

Within a years time, we were divorced and our debt (several thousands of dollars) was split up and we both thought the final decision was a fair one. I then needed to move and had only my little car to get me there. Everything I was going to take with me had to fit inside that car (except the dog kennel. that was strapped to the roof) and I began cleaning. I did the math and discovered all my belongings had to fit into no more than 11 paper sized boxes. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I threw away so many papers, pictures, letters, mementos, etc. and I sold everything else on craigslist.

When I arrived in California, I had nothing; no bed, no job, nothing. Within a few weeks, a woman gave me her guest bed. When I went to pick it up she told me it had only been slept in a few times and then she gave me new sheets and pillows for it. While I was there, she also gave me her desk, two end tables, and as much hope as I could stand. I saw that when you give it all up, that is when God can do great things for you.

Even today, I am writing this on that desk, next to my bed, in my rented room in my sisters house. Everything I own fits in this room. I may not have a lot of stuff anymore but I feel so free. I feel unburdened and true to myself, not having to put on a show for others. And you can't steal those feelings away from me.

Right In The Baby Maker

So I caught your attention with a quote from a Will Ferrell movie and an image of a bear punching another bear in the nuts. At least I know my audience. What I really wanted to write about was one of the themes that coming up on all the dating sites and now, for no reason at all, in many of my conversations with folks. "So Joe. How do you feel about dating a woman that already has kids?" Over and over again the sites demanded I explain in more detail about what role kids played in my relationship/match choices. So I wanted to break that down a bit and share my thoughts.

Kids are awesome! I do not have any of my own but I have spent my fair share babysitting for friends and I do have younger brothers and sisters. I have also worked with kids of all ages at church, VBS, summer camps, youth group, etc. I am well familiar with the trouble kids can cause and the joy they can bring to your otherwise pathetic life. Do I want kids? Sure. Do I need to have my own? No. Don't tell my mom. She wants as many grand kids as she can get and I would love to have her be their grandma, I just don't know if it's in the cards.

I would totally date a woman that already has her own kids. I am not a young man here. At almost thirty, I thought by now I would already have a couple of my own, so how can I judge someone who already does? I have also found that I am really good with other people's kids. I have some friends that have younger kids (1 and 3) and I think they are the best. I am "Uncle Joe" and I couldn't be happier spending time with them even when it involves watching the same episode of Sid the Science Kid four times in a row.

I was asked today about the possibility of being with a woman that can't have kids. I am fine with that too. My parents adopted so I know that can work out, but I am also fine with no kids. (again, keep my mom in the dark on this.) My response to the question was that as long as she and I are happy together, I would be fine loving other people's kids. I would love them if they were here, but I am in no hurry to have my own.

Body Images

Tattoos are amazing! I love the art and the admiration you get with a full sleeve. I also just think its badass. A girl with a tasteful stud in the nose that looks like a shiny freckle is instantly kinda hot. I would totally get some sweet ink if I only knew what to get. I even know who I would have do it.

I have seen a lot of neat stuff in my time but none that I think would work for me. I have seen the classic Japanese symbol tattoos but I don't speak or read Japanese. I have seen some terrific images dedicated to dead friends and relatives, but I can't think of why I would need to have their name or death-date on my body to remind me of them. I would love to have a family crest or bible verse but where would I put that on me?

I love the idea of a piercing but same problem, where? Do I do an ear? I can never remember which is the right ear. Nose would be cool but I have a lot of allergies and I can only see that as an agitator. I could get real crazy and get my eyebrow or lip done but on what occasion do I wear it and if I don't all the time it will fill in right? And then all I have to show for my $50 is a lip scar.

I watched a documentary about body modifications the other day (Modify) and people are having the strangest stuff done to them. Implants, laser etching, and apparently the new trend is to split your junk down the middle. No thanks! I want to have something, but not alter the way my body functions for the sake of art or personal expression.

I am ok with my body. Granted, I have a few pounds I could do without, but that's what P90X is for. I suppose I will just stay a blank slate. I would hate to just get something to have it if it didn't really mean anything. I want to remain a man without regrets which is why I am so thankful I didn't get my ex's name on my ring finger as planned. Or a tramp stamp of my last name. By the way, what is the Japanese symbol for “stupid waste of money”?

Rate The World

I am not sure when we started this or how it came to be so popular, but we rate everything. Obviously I am going to write about self and partner ratings. I understand why we have resturant ratings and movie ratings, poll stats and consumer reports. But why do we rate people? When a new wine is about to go out to market, they sometime recieve a number between 1 and 100. Problem is, wine tastes different to different people. Same with people ratings. If I say a woman I saw the other day was an 8, your 8 standard may be different and you would have another idea in mind.

Most people will rate themselves as a 6 or a 7. So who is a 10? Who is a 2? Why do we do this to ourselves?

Try thinking of everyone you meet as a 10 and see how different things can turn out.

You're Gross, But I Love You

Insert image of something gross

I have a slobbery dog. He really isn't that bad, but once or twice a day he has to just shake. After doing this the other night, I said to him those very words. I have younger brothers and sisters and I have done my fair share of helping mom with diaper duty. I have taken care of little kids who are potty training and don't quite have the hang of it. I have held girls' hair as they threw up after getting off the roller coasters at Ceder Point. And I have loved every one of them.

We all do gross stuff at times. I am not excusing myself from this number. I have had my moments as well. While not going into any more detail there, I realized that after doing all that, I was sharing my love with those people.

Some people want to think that once they fall in love with someone, they will never gross you out. Not true. Not if you're doing it right. If you haven't seen your partner in the eyes of gross, you have not really seen them. Don't get me wrong, I love the heir of mystery that I believe needs to stay in place, but if you are not being real with the other person, and they don't feel like they can be themselves, gross and all, around you, you can only get so close.

So the next time someone does something gross and you have to help them remember you are loving them in a way that others may not have the stomach for. Also remember to wash your hands when you are finished.

Honestly...

Legend has it that George Washington as a small boy confessed to hacking at his fathers cherry tree thus killing it. His father was angry about the loss of the tree until he heard the confession and praised young George for having told the truth above no matter the possible consequence. This is the legend, that he could not tell a lie and by doing so, helped parents all over the country have a story to tell their kids so that they too would not lie to their parents.


We have heard many times that "honesty is the best policy". This I agree with every part of me. I wear my life and emotions on my sleeve. I am blogging about some of the most personal of issues for the world to see. (side note: thanks for reading Japan, Ecuador, Luxembourg, and Australia) I was faced with an interesting circumstance today while in the midst of a conversation with a young woman I have become fond of. I have always shared my feelings out loud, perhaps to the point of being annoying, but when faced with how I felt about her, I was stopped cold. I was not sure how much if at all to share.

Should I be bold and courageous, daring to toss her into an emotional conflict of her own? Or should I be cautious and caring, thinking of her situation and the consequences she may have to face? Is honesty the best policy here?

I have no reason to hide anything from anyone except to protect them but I am afraid that by doing do, I lose a large part of who I am.

Compu-Dating

You asked for it. You got it. I have begun the grueling process of online dating. The other day I had some time and I was thinking about what to write about this week. I have a topic board that I have been going off of for a while and a recurring theme kept popping up. In a lot of the topics I want to write about, I would be referencing dating via website and I have never tried this. So instead of being a total hypocrite, I decided to post some profiles on a handful of sites and see what I came up with.


Understand, I have never been good about "putting myself out there" so for me to post a picture and describe what is important to me in a date/mate, took a lot of courage that I quite frankly didn't think I had. I started with a couple of the obvious ones; eHarmony and Match.com. They took me about an hour to fill out, and get approved. Not a bad exercise. I took personality tests, ethics tests, but most importantly, it gave me an opportunity to explore what I really thought I wanted. Turns out there are a lot of women that appreciated the way I described that part. I tried to be as honest as possible. When I was asked what I did for a living, I put "customer service/fast food". When I was asked my body type, I chose "a few extra pounds" instead of the "athletic".

It was a lot of fun and a semi-productive time waster. I then went on to post profiles on Plenty Of Fish, Chemistry.com, and (just for fun) CougarLife.com. I have received several responses, many of which I believe to be automatically generated, but with all skepticism aside, I like what is coming up. (except on cougarlife. turns out its just a hook up site and I already have explained that I am not a man-whore). I will keep you posted on any actual dates that might come of this venture so stay tuned.

Cougar Hunt

Living in southern California as a twenty-something single male, one has to familiarize themselves with the cougar. Not the out in the wild kind, but the likes the younger guys kind. In the last several months I have become more open to the idea of wooing an older woman. I am not pursuing any such individual at the moment nor do I plan on hanging out at nursing homes for dates, I am simply bringing the issue to the forefront.

When you were in high school it was never cool to date below your grade. A senior would never date a freshman and that was simply a matter of a few years difference. Now that I am a little older and a little wiser, I have stopped thinking about the age difference as a factor while getting to know someone. At work everyone is several years younger or older than me. At my old job, I was the youngest person in the building. At church it is the same thing. So, I have learned to not even consider it an issue even to the point of thinking of dating someone older as a bonus.

Think about it. Older women know what they want in life. They have a lot of experience to offer a young cub like myself. They don't want to play all the silly girl games the younger women tend to. They are stable and secure with themselves. All those traits are something to be admired. Plus, there are a lot of attractive women out there, so why would I limit myself to a specific age range? Again, I am not talking about dating a woman 30 years ahead of me, but I am not afraid of the idea of being with a real woman.

I 'm sure I will take some heat for this article but I don't care. I love women, and I am not going to let age play a factor in me not being happy with one.

Name Calling

I don't know if anyone has noticed but I am currently divorced. If you have picked up on that then you have probably also picked up on the fact that I don't really talk bad about her. Trust me, it isn't because I am not in full right to do so, I just don't see the point.

She tricked me into thinking she loved me. She fooled my entire family and all those around us. She threw away every offer I made to her to start fresh. She walked away without hesitation when things started to get tough. I, loved her. She, didn't understand what that meant.

When I say I loved her, I am serious. I know what I was promising when we said our vows before God and everyone. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was young, sure, but I knew I loved her more than I could anyone else. I worked hard at our marriage and although looking back I can see times I could have done more or worked harder on one thing or another, I truly was doing my best. I have a clear conscience about that today. She simply had no idea what was really going on. She didn't realize she had to work at it too. “It will all work out”, she would say, not realizing that work doesn't take place without effort.

I could call her just about any name you could think of for the way she treated me. I don't. Do we really need one more guy out there calling his ex a crazy, cold hearted bitch? I don't think so.

Last Words

"I have tried so hard to do the right" - Grover Cleveland

Someones last words can be iconic but most of our final statements to people are things we don't realize will be our last. Google famous last words sometime and you will see a plethora of hilarious and awkward things people have said. When we say goodbye to people at the end of the day at work or so long to friends after a good night of partying, we don't think about it as the very last connection to those people. I don't want this to turn morose or morbid here, but what would your last words be to people if you knew they would be your last to them?

I try to take the time lately to individually say goodbye to my fellow employees. I remind them of the good job they did or how they helped me with this or that or how they are just an important person to me. I have been amazed at the difference it can make at work and with my family. My dad goes on a lot of trips overseas and he is awesome when it comes to this. He will call each of his kids while in the gate area for whatever flight he is catching and you can bet the call will not end until after he tells us he is proud of us and loves us very much. I look forward to those calls. Not because I am desperate to hear him tell us that, he tells us that all the time, but it is comforting in a strange way to know he is being deliberate with his words.

Things of course are a little different when you know they will be your last words to someone you care about. On the day of my divorce hearing, I knew my words to her that day would be my last. I was already packed up for California and there would be no reason for me to contact her. After court, we walked out together to the parking lot (not on purpose. We just both happened to park there) and it felt like the walk down the green mile. We didn't speak. We had nothing to say, until she turned one direction towards her car and I to mine. I knew it was my last chance to tell her exactly what I needed to for me to have closure. I will leave you with those now:

“I still love you. Sorry I couldn't make things work out. Good luck.”

Ten Years

 Ten years ago I graduated high school. Let me list what has happened to me since:

began dating wonderful girl

bought '78 Cadillac

went to bible college in Kansas City

got a job as a custodian

quit bible college

quit custodial position

started working for an airline as a ramp agent in St. Louis

got engaged to previously mentioned girl

sold Cadillac, bought '93 Grand Prix

promoted to supervisor

bought a condo

married same girl

sold Grand Prix, bought '00 Olds Intrigue

promoted to corporate instructor

sold condo, bought huge house

was given the most awesome dog in the world

bought '04 F-150

began marriage counseling

traveled the country conducting training courses

bought everything acquiring copious amounts of debt

started working part time in IT department of airline

went into foreclosure

girl moved out

quit counseling

sold house short sale

moved in with sister and her husband

received papers from girl

sold truck along with everything else

bought '95 Mercury Tracer

quit job at airline

got divorced from girl

drove across country with all personal belongings, including dog, to California

moved in with other sister and her husband

after being unemployed for two months, got fast food job

paid off all known debt

started blog

traveled back to STL...only to see nothing has changed.

We'll have to see what happens in the next ten years. Can't wait.

Adventure!

 

Rock climbing! Sky diving! White water rafting! What do all these have in common? They are all actions. In order to do these things it involves you actually doing something. When you do them, that's all you are doing. You are in the moment with clear goals and destinations. You are doing! Watching someone climb a mountain or raft down the Colorado, gets me pumped up. I want so badly to do those things and yet I find myself staying on the couch. My friends know this about me, that there are certain movies you can not watch with me. Prefontaine in one of those. If you have not seen the greatest running movie of all time here you go. I highly suggest it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119937/

I used to run cross country. Notice the past tense used there. When I watch that movie and see the passion involved, the life focus driven forward, I get so frustrated with myself. Why am I not being awesome like that?

So why do we stay on the couch? We feel like if we try, we will fail. We feel that that activity is only for the pros and that we won't be as good as the other guy. But they had to start somewhere. Many of those who do those things professionally started when they were little kids. So if they did it when they were small and not good at whatever it is that that do now, why can't I do it? It is important for a single guy to set those crazy goals for themselves if nothing else to keep 'em active. So I have started doing. When someone says “hey let's go off-roading in the desert?” I say “Let's GO!” When a new opportunity for adventure presents itself, I will take it and wrestle it to the ground and make it mine.

Word of caution to those who would dare me, I will take the dare. Try me. I dare you.

Child's Play

 For two days I have been hanging out with some friends of mine that have a three year old and a one year old. We have gone on walks, been to the Cardinals game, jumped on the bed, played cars on the floor and watched Fresh Beat Band. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's right up there with Yo Gabba Gabba only without the celebrity guest stars. The show is all about making music out of ordinary objects and looking on the bright side in bad situations. A lesson to be learned by all of us. For a single guy these days it is easy to forget to see the world through the eyes of a child.

The most fun we had at the game was when we ate ice cream and played on the truck in the concourse. We only had fun playing with the cars when we took them off the track and drove them on the furniture. And I will admit, I like the simplicity of a kids music show from time to time instead of something like Lost or Entourage.

We should be enjoying ourselves and not trying to impress people with what we can achieve. If Fresh Beat Band comes on while you're flippin' channels, you should check it out. And try to enjoy it.

Ok Being Bored

I was in line at an airport security checkpoint the other day. I had my ticket in hand with my passport ready to open to the right page (those of you who travel will appreciate this). I opened my bag for easy access to my laptop and ziploc bag carrying my deodorant and checked my pockets for metal items. I have never been a fan of placing my phone and keys in the bin since I usually forget to pick them up afterward so instead I like to put all that stuff in my roller bag, front pocket to be specific.

After doing this and still being in line, I started just letting my eyes wander, people watching and so on. As I did so, I noticed the majority of people were looking at their phones. The people in line, the ones waiting for the x-ray machine, even some airline staff members. I thought about what they could be checking. Could it be they are late for their flight and are anxious about the time or checking their ticket status online? Could it be they just got an urgent email from their secretary telling them at the last minute they didn't have to go to Detroit at the last second? Could it just be they wanted to call their family before entering the wild world of the airline terminal? Nope. I know I shouldn't do so, but I started looking at what they were doing. Some were playing scrabble. Not just one person but at least three. I love that game and I will challenge anyone to a round, but is this the time and place? Some were watching movies. Some were emailing work. Good activities all, but here?

Do not think for a second that I do not have a smart phone myself. No. It is not an iPhone. But it does almost all the same things. Difference between me and an iPhone user: I do not have to be constantly entertained. I took a cab to the airport. A fifteen minute drive. I could have called someone random or played poker on my phone. I could have emailed my friend a funny video I saw last week. I could have put my earbuds in and zoned out entirely. Instead I looked out the window.

When is the last time you just looked out of a window just to see what was on the other side? When is the last time we sat in silence just to enjoy the moment? Try sitting still for two minutes and see what a difference it can make.

http://www.donothingfor2minutes.com/

Mo Money, Mo Problems

"...to whom much is given, of him shall much be required."- Luke 12:48

No need to point out the irony there, quoting B.I.G. and the gospels on the same page, but they are both in the same line of thinking. I have been broke for a while now and in hindsight, I have enjoyed it. Not all of it mind you. I have never been comfortable without a twenty in my pocket, you know, for emergencies like a soda at the gas station or a spontaneous movie. I feel really awful having to pay for gas with a handful of nickels. But I have had little to no responsibilities to care for in that time. God provided what I needed and I had to count on that. That whole waiting on God thing is pretty cool.

I used to have stuff. I had a huge house and nice cars. I had nice clothes and a credit line on a card that I never had to check (turns out you do by the way when you share it with someone else). I had a truck that I loved and a pirate chest in the middle of my living room (ok, not a real one, but that's what it looked like). I never really thought about giving to those around me because I assumed everyone was ok. I did projects for people and I love to give gifts, but to poor people? What poor people?

In the last few months, I have been paying off the credit cards and with not having money, I had nothing to offer the homeless guy at the corner I suddenly noticed, so I had to make the decision to offer them a ride if they were headed somewhere or offer them the two bucks I forgot about in my center console. Now That I have, I now have to offer. Puts a little more pressure on you in those moments.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't like someone is paying me to write or my job is a real cash cow, but I am no longer in debt and making money for the first time since I was 14 instead of handing it directly over to some corporation or loan office. With God providing for me all that time, it's time for me to keep doing my part.

You Can't Handle The Truth

We all remember the epic line from the movie, but it may be true in more ways than one. This blog has received it's fair share of criticism in the few weeks I have written it. Some say I share too much, some want more of the gritty details, and still others want me to keep it all sunshine and rainbows. Problem is, I agree with all of them a little bit but here is my response:

We are all well aware that there is too much doom and gloom out there no matter where we look. In the news, on tv, you name it and there are people reminding us that life is fragile and we are only here for a short time, so who would want to read a blog about one guys continual failing attempts at life? Besides, it isn't like I am someone famous or super smart that people would want to know how I handle things. "Oh, poor so-and-so. They are famous and therefore we care about their personal lives..." This is my story. These are my views on the way life is going for me. I know there are a lot of people going through similar circumstances, so I write this to help people understand what it's like if they have not gone through it themselves and a helping hand to those that are in the middle of a rough time right now.

Do I share too much? Maybe. But I am one of those crazy people that doesn't have any secrets so it seems odd for some that I share all of me so publicly. I am not going to write about my bowel movements or anything like that, but I think it is important for you to get the whole story.

I want to take the time to thank the regular followers and let you know I have several more articles in the works. For those of you just joining us, thanks for checking it out. I will try my best not to disappoint but at the same time I have to write the truth as I see it and I think you CAN handle it. Please bear with me. I am a work in progress.