Moving On

After a terrible incident like a death in the family or divorce or even a simple break up, it has always been the good friend that takes you aside and tells you that everything is ok. "You'll be fine. You just need to remember the good times you had and move on. Live your life." While on the surface that seems like a great idea and while the friend is always well meaning in these cases, it is not the moving on that is the most difficult. For me, the hardest thing to do, is to be ok with moving on.

After my divorce and I slowly returned to my normal self, I seemed to be bombarded with life changing decisions. New job or bad job? New town or same old, same old? New girl or single for the rest of my miserable life? I was able to make a lot of big moves with little hesitation but the one that seemed the easiest at the time has become one of my biggest hang ups.

I moved, got a new job, made new friends, and stopped saying no to trying new things. It was all going so well until someone would try to set me up on a date or awkwardly mention to me someone had a crush on me. What are we? 12? No matter in what way I met these women, I would immediately hesitate. The problem was I was not ready to move on in that direction yet. I had a good run and I invested a lot of myself the first time around. Truth is, I was scared of what would happen if I really let myself get involved again. I would begin to think about all the good times and then remember all of the bad ones then not be interested any more. I had moved on but wasn't ok with me moving on yet.

This may sound like the ramblings of an idiot but many of you have felt the same way I am sure. It is a feeling almost like survivors remorse. Thank goodness I made it through that terrible situation, but why me? Why am I ok with being like this? I shouldn't be this happy this soon.

It has been over a year now and I am ready to be ok with moving on.

True Holiday Films

Everyone loves a good Christmas movie, but what is it that sets the good ones apart from all the others out there? When you think about holiday films what comes to mind? Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, or Santa Baby 2? (side note: part 2 is as terrible as part 1 and an equal waste of time)

I love the classics. They are classic for just that reason; you can watch them every year and not be tired of them. Charlie Brown's Christmas is a favorite because when it was made it was revolutionary. Children doing cartoon voice overs were a rare thing and for them to be in a television special was something unusual. The stop animation films are chock full of character due to the fact that they are chock full of characters. Who could forget the Charlie in a box or the Winter Warlock or even the background personality of Joshua the camel from The Little Drummer Boy shining into the forefront? These short films have become as much apart of our holiday celebrations and traditions as decorating the tree or fruitcake.

Let us not forget to recognize the newer Christmas favorites such as A Christmas Story, Edward Scissorhands, Muppet Christmas Carol, The Nightmare Before Christmas, or Elf. These movies have also become classics in their own right. Tim Allen's Santa Clause 3? Not so much.

This holiday season I know it can be easy to turn to Lifetime for a horribly crafted drama centered around a holiday. Before you go down that road, ask yourself "will I want my kids to enjoy this for generations?" If the answer is no, I encourage you to change the channel or perhaps pop in that old VHS tape of Frosty The Snowman you recorded ten years ago. You hung on to that VCR for something.

Future Future

Dear Future,

The 80's were uneventful, the 90's were drab, 00's were full of uneasiness, and so far the preteens or whatever they will eventually call this section of the new century have been reckless and greedy. If I could have a hope for the future it would be for it to not dig itself any further into the pit of selfishness.

Granted, at this point in my life I have not seen everything and I have still much to learn, but from the small portion of the human condition I have shared, it seems slowly degrading. We as a people have to pull ourselves together, give ourselves up to the needs of others, and still not become communists.

On the upside we have seen great leaps forward in technology and communication these past few years. If the future was able to keep up with the pace I expect we should be on mars and have flying cars sometime three years from now.

I have much hope in you future. Please don't let me down.

Future Reader

I sincerely apologize.

If you are still reading this in the future, you are one of the few. You have read my ramblings on several topics from divorce and relationships to politics and religion. They say the road to a successful blog with many readers is to have a single topic and stick to it. I say, "Nah."

Thank you for putting up with me.

I hope the time we have spent together has been productive and hopefully inspiring or at least thought provoking. I hope you have been able to get a word in yourself. (That comment area is there for you to participate in the conversation.)

You have been the daily encouragement I needed and the sounding board I could not live without.

Thank you.

Future Self

Really? You went so far as to write yourself a letter? You arrogant idiot.

You are older now and probably not too much wiser but I hope you are happy with the choices you have made to bring you to the point where you are now reading your own blog. Up to the time I wrote this to you, you were a guy just making your way but I hope by the time you read this you have come up with some way to inspire and influence others.

I hope you had the guts to do the things you wanted to do and the humility to accept the things you couldn't change. By my estimate you should be a husband, father, business owner, community leader, published author, academy award winner, stunt pilot, developer of the voice activated pet hair trimmer, and dental hygienist. Wow. You are amazing.

I have to confess, I am a bit envious of your life now (or is it then?) once you accomplish the great things I know are in store for you. Then again I am really looking forward to the journey.

Future Wife

Hey Honey,

I thank God for you everyday. You are so amazing and I am so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I have goofed in the past but I know what I have learned along the way has led me to you. You take such good care of me and our kids. When I see you with them, my heart just melts. I am so glad you are their mother. I am positive a lesser woman would have up on us a long time ago but you are so patient and loving.

There are so many people, myself included, that are just in awe of you. You are so strong and supportive of others. As intelligent as you are and funny to boot, when I met you I could have sworn you were unavailable, but from the moment our eyes met, you have been entirely devoted to me and I have never doubted that.

You are so precious to me it is hard for me to describe. You are admired by many, respected by all, and loved by me. You deserve the world and so much more I can't give you but for what it is worth, you have all of me. I know I tell you this everyday but I love you so much.

Thank you for choosing me.

Future Kids

Dear Future Kids,

I hope you are doing well and taking good care of Mom. I trust that you are doing well in school or whatever that online course is that you do now is called.

I have a hard time imagining the world that you live in. To think you will never know what it means to tape a show on tv or make a mix tape let alone what a tape of any kind is. I know that physical data sharing and saving is such an old way of doing things but I can remember when my family had to go to the video store to rent a movie.

You will not have understood some of the stories I have shared with you like that time I got stuck on line at the post office for two hours trying to mail a letter. You don't even know what a letter is; how to write one or how to send it to someone via postal service. I remember you looked at me so strangely when I told you about telephone books, phones that only made calls and were connected to a line in the wall, and having to look things up in books. You don't even really understand what it was like to have a debate with someone over trivial things. We used to spend hours going back and forth about who was the greatest hitter of all time or what the name of that movie was we saw a year ago. You just look it up now without having to think at all. Not only do you not know what it is like not to have instant access to everything online but you have it with you at all times now. That is so strange to me.

You may be reading this on your holographic 3D screen in your car dashboard, but my message is the same no matter what. I love you so much and I am proud of you.

Now at least look like you are driving safe, turn this off and watch the airspace in front of you.

p.s. sorry about the o-zone but we really didn't think it was a real thing when they told us about it.

Never Too Late

The rain has stopped but the road is still glossy. The only light I can see is from the headlights and those from the strip mall parking lots and gas stations reflecting off the now fast moving clouds. Windshield wipers start to squeak as if to remind me they are done doing their job for the night. It is a good reminder when you are driving as distracted as I am right now. I shut them off but now the splashing of my tires through the puddles left over are all that I can hear. It is almost a soothing white noise and still frustrating knowing I just washed the car two days ago. I took the extra time to wax it too after hearing the girl on whatever news station that was say it was going to be dry all this week. Lame.

But the rain, my car, and the crappy weather reporting this town puts up with on a daily basis are not enough to take my mind off of what is really going on. I speed down the shadowed two lane road toward home knowing I am really only driving further from where I wanted to be. With you.

It was a rough night of listening to you vent about everything I've done wrong for the last couple of months. It was like having my life flash before me but only highlighting the bad parts. Sitting there hearing you bringing up that time I forgot to call your sister on her birthday, the time I hesitated when you asked me if that cashier in the store was cute trying to even recall who you were talking about, and the time I said I didn't want to go out with you to that party your friend from high school was throwing at her Mom's house...Suddenly I woke up from the shock of what I was hearing.

Did you forget the time I surprised you on your birthday and took you away for the weekend, every time I told you I loved you and you said nothing back, and the countless times we saw the movie you wanted to see and do the things you wanted to do when there were always other options for me? Did those times not count? Did anything I did for you, sacrificed for you, or said to you matter at all? Well, it did to me.

The seasons are obviously changing and the rainstorm tonight was evidence of more changes to come. I suppose it was evidence of one more I didn't see coming. I pull up to the flashing stop light and change directions.

To Protect and Serve

It seems like such a simple motto.

Step One: protect

Make sure no harm comes to those not only close to home but also anyone who needs it. Watch over everyone and when they need you, you are prepared to step in. On a daily basis, guard the physical safety of those around you and defend the rights offered to them through years of suffering and sacrifice.

Step Two: serve

Be the light in the darkness, the bulwark in the storm and the provider of not only safety but well being. Defending the not just the privileges afforded to us in this country but assisting in the provision of the basic human needs of shelter, clothing, food, water, and dignity. 

The hardest part of maintaining this oath has to be that not all of us, all the time appreciate the sacrifice made each day by those who carry it out. We have all heard about officers and other service personnel laying down their lives for random people they don't know. But what we sometimes forget is the families of these individuals that give up the most important people in their lives so that they can be there for us.

Thank you for what you do.

Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Cookies

I love a good cookie. Soft but not cakey, solid but not crunchy. I'm sort of a cookie snob.

If you are checking out his blog for how to make these cookies, there are other blogs about that sort of thing. I am no baker.

Tonight I tried a new cookie made from the unusual combination of chocolate chips and pumpkin. Now I'm sure if you grew up on a pumpkin farm or lived somewhere pumpkins are lining the street, you have tasted this variety of cookie before. I had not. But as I tasted them I was reminded of a few very important things.

I was reminded that I love cookies. I love cake and pie and candy, sure, but cookies hold a special place for me. They are small and not too filling and they are a wonderful way to break the ice in a new place. Introduce cookies at a new job or church function and you instantly have a circle of friends around you.

More importantly than the reminder of my love of cookies, was the reminder to try new things. If I had looked at that cookie and decided before hand it was too "weird" of a combination or if I had thought the fact that I had never heard of these cookies before was a good enough reason not to try it, I would have missed out on something wonderful.

Even more importantly than trying new things, I was reminded of how sometimes strange things that don't seem like they go well together can turn out some amazing results when allowed to do their own thing together. It can be a great thing to have people like you around you but when you invite those not like you to be a part of your world, it can be awesome.

Thanks for the cookies Matt. Thanks even more for the life lessons. Now, go bake me a cranberry pie to learn from.

This Blog is "Occupied"

Watching the "occupation" in major cities is quite an entertaining venture. I have been watching carefully for anything of substance and have been so far let down entirely.

I had hoped for real change to take place, for real people to make their voices heard and for the world to hear. I strongly believe people need to voice opinions in protest and thought at first that the "occupy" idea would really catch on. Not with these idiots though.

Have you looked at the faces of the protesters? Have you seen the hardship behind their eyes? Have you seen the suffering of the families affected by the...uh, what are we protesting again? Some of the people in the crowd (and by crowd, I mean the fifteen or so of them on one corner surrounded by the three and a half dozen camera crews) are truly serious and dedicated persons of conviction and to them, I tip my hat. To the guy holding a sign that says "hi mom" and waving from behind the reporter, shut up and go home.

Some people say that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. I say, if you don't have anything to say, go home and let the people who care have their voices heard. The real revolution will take place without a facebook page and won't be led by hippies.

Last Day

Something about me you should know: I have never been fired.

I have always had the ability to slide out the door right before things either really get bad or before I do. I have always been able to exit gracefully from a scene if not truly welcome or appreciated. Today I managed to do it once again but only just barely.

I held on to my last job as long as I possibly could because it was so easy. Everyday it would be the same thing being served to the same customer and there was little room for creativity. That part I was able to funnel into my writing and other portions of my life and I was thankful for that, but it slowly turned me bitter knowing that I was not allowed to use that side of my brain for the majority of the day. I knew if I was only allowed the opportunity I could make some real amazing things happen. But no one really cares when you are just one lonely cog in the machine. Shut up and keep your head down was a phrase I would have to remind myself of daily and it broke me.

As mentioned before, I held on a little to long. It was a paycheck (and not a very good one), steady and fair for the kind of work I was performing. I had a good boss who made sure my hours were regular, but I was unhappy, unfulfilled in a job I knew was not meant to last. I found myself in a new place, starting a new life away from everything and everyone familiar only to wind up doing something I didn't want to do. Why would I move out to California to do a job I could very well have done back home? Sure I have bills, but I have principles too. And so, after considering everything, I turned in my notice.

Side note: turning in a notice is terribly confusing for a business whose turnover is usually due to walk-outs.

I have no job to jump right into (yet). I have no savings (maybe a month or two worth). I have a few prospects for the future but nothing secured. And I feel great. I will feel better of course doing something I love for money, but I am no longer doing anything just for the money like before. I feel confident great things are in store that I will never regret making myself available for. So this is what if feels like to follow your dreams...

Adult Birthday

Tomorrow I will have been myself for 29 years. That, in my opinion, is a long time. I have no idea what things will be like tomorrow as a 29 year old. Considering I have always thought that at 20 you were an adult and at 25 you are old, 29 is a fool's age. I have always been taught to respect my elders, but now I am one.

To answer the question, yes, I am having a party. No, not a par-tay, just a party. A few friends getting together for a simple meal and good wine around a fire if the weather holds out. Sounds boring to some of you I'm sure but keep in mind, I am an old man now.

I was asked what I want for my birthday. Good question. What are you supposed to say as an adult? Of course there is a long list of stuff that would be cool to have. Lots of fun gadgets and I will never be too old for Legos. But I also could use a new electric razor, or a comforter for my bed. Some new floor mats for my car would be nice and I would really appreciate someone paying my rent next month. But those are things that old people want right? Not for a guy's birthday.

Then I was asked the most important question I have been asked this week and trust me, this has been no easy week. "What do you want to do with your 29th year?" Wow. Great question..... I have no idea.

I want to get through my twenties with a bang. I want to do all the things everyone always regrets not doing until they were too old to enjoy them. I want to rock climb in the mountains and go on a whale watching tour in the ocean. I want to fly in a glider and spend a sunrise in a balloon. I want to go scuba diving and deep sea fishing, hang gliding and motorcycle riding. This next year will be a year of "do" for me. A year of wonderful experiences only few have had. You know, before my hip goes out.

Lost Boy

The holidays are already taking over the department stores. It is a sad display in California when they decorate palm trees with lights and hang evergreen wreaths shipped in from thousands of miles away. People are already on edge when driving even remotely close to a mall or mega-store. Egg nog flavored everything is available from milkshakes to lip gloss. All of these sights and smells to take in have us all on high alert making sure we get our due. With our blood pressure high and our hearts racing sometimes we forget the most important things. Matt is one of those things.

At only four years old, this tension is something he can only feel but not quite yet understand. The people all around him are ignoring him but then suddenly and without warning he will have people gushing over him. They all say the reason for all of these decorations and shopping is for him, to make the holidays special for him and the other kids, but he hardly feels like it is.

He gets dragged to the over crowded mall and then shoved into the car loaded up with bags of stuff he is not supposed to look at or touch. His parents get home and immediately send him to his room to keep him from seeing the wrapping process and then three hours later let him in to help pick up the scraps of ribbon strewn about on the floor.

Play time is alone with "Santa Claus is coming to town" playing on the radio for the tenth time today. He is four. Do they really think he believes in Santa? Did they forget he went to the store and was there when the purchase was made?

Maybe it is all for fun and maybe they really think they do it all for the kids. But he saw the kid to adult ratio while trick or treating. Who do they think they are fooling?