Roller Bumper Cars

I'll give you a second just to wrap your head around that. That's how life sometimes though. You're moving along on the track, headed in the direction you know you're supposed to go. Along the way you experience some highs and lows, but you will always be moving forward. All of the sudden, you ram into one of the other cars coming to a violent stop. You are caught completely off your guard and now, weary and confused, you go through a series of questions in your mind. Why did that happen? I thought I was going the right way. Was I not? Why did this happen to me? What did I do to make this happen? Who is to blame for this disaster? What can I do to avoid this next time? Can I avoid this next time or is this really the ride I got on?

Once the choice is made to spend your life with someone and they say the words "to death do us part", at that point you can not hear the much needed "really?" you should have asked much earlier. I love the vows made in the movie Invention of Lying: "...and do you take him...for as long as you want?" That is really what wedding vows have become. I do (as long as it's easy and I stay happy but as soon as it gets tough or stuff gets a little too real, I'm out). I wanted forever. I worked towards forever. But it seemed like my world was shattered when she said she was leaving. My heart stopped when the judge asked the final divorce ruling question, do you believe there is any possibility of reconciliation. I think up to that exact moment, a small part of me truly thought we could work things out. Even there in the courtroom, I thought maybe we can just leave here together and make things right. We didn't. Her answer was a cold "no" and with that, my heart slammed to the floor.

For the last six months, with the help of friends, the love of family, and a determination that God wasn't done with me yet, I have picked up the pieces. I started fresh with a new job, new state (CA, but we'll get to that later), and a new mission; to find out who I was without the person I thought I couldn't live without. Some say I ran away. I don't think I did. I just needed to be able to breathe without the thought of her in my head. I needed to do something big on my own like drive across the country in a 95 Mercury Tracer with all of my belongings, including the dog. I did it. I have since found employment, entirely paid off the credit card debt she and I had built over the last six years, made new friends, become a wine snob, lost 30 pounds, learned how to ride a motorcycle, dated a handful of great women, and grown closer to God than any other point in my life. I won't say that the divorce didn't destroy me. It did. But I am now back on top of my game and better for it. Maybe when the next pile up happens it won't throw me as far.