My problem is that I do not enjoy surface level conversations. I hate small talk. I despise talking on the phone even for a few minutes unless there is a point or topic to cover. But I do this a hundred times a day. With customers, with coworkers, the lady working at the gas station today that had to tell me my car is "cute". I am good at these type of interactions which becomes the problem when I want to advance the relationship. I get way too personal and intimate way too quickly. I go from "how was your day?" to, "how are you coping with your emotional instabilities?". I really want to know so I can learn about and from others but it creeps people out when they aren't ready for it.
I want intimacy not a drive thru relationship. I want honest conversation with the point being genuine interest in the other person. I guess that's something I need to work on.
I follow what you are saying about having depth in a relationship but that doesn't always mean that you have to have a target and goal in mind. Building a relationship, particularly with a girl/wife, is more about the journey than a task list or goal chart that you might have for work. I say this because of the statement, "I despise talking on the phone even for a few minutes unless there is a point or topic to cover." I am a guy so I am exactly the same way.
ReplyDeleteI remember once before I was married I was at an Elder/Deacon retreat for my church and we were going through a video series of a pastors conference. One of the sessions particularly left profound note in me that still challenges me today particular because I am a guy and not a woman ergo I process things differently (and I need to be more balanced if I want to have a good relationship with a woman). The particular session essentially was challenging pastors not to marry the church but to marry their wives. The pastor speaking started off the church plant putting a huge amount of hours into the church and praying and asking God to fill in the gaps at home. Then the scriptures struck him that no where does it say for us to love the church. It says that Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. The scriptures say for the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Basically by becoming a workaholic he was having an affair with his job at the expense of his family. After this revelation he went to this wife and asked specifically what time of the day she needed him and he would be home everyday at that time. For his wife it was about 4 or 4:30 where she wanted to start preparing for dinner but was exhausted from taking care of the kids. She needed about 30 minutes of downtime and then someone to take the kids so she could focus on dinner. At that point this pastor made the promise to his wife that he would be home at that time everyday. So when things would start happening at church in the afternoon and his staff and/or church members needed him he would just say sorry I have to go. So then he started putting his time into his family and praying and asking God to fill in the gaps at church. Some people were upset because they felt the pastor should always be accessible to them whenever they need him but you know God really started blessing the church at that point. It was no longer a work of man but a work of God. Also, his family was blessed in great ways too because his wife felt loved.
In this pastor's discussion where he shared this story he also spoke to men's drive to accomplish things, meet goals, and check things off the task list. Relationships aren't like this and the family (husband/wife relationship) certainly isn't either. You may have goals that your family wants to accomplish but honestly relationships are more about being than doing. Growing your marriage and your family is more about enjoying the journey than figuring out where you are going all the time and how you are getting there. This isn't natural for guys, we can easily enjoy our work more than our families because we feel like we are accomplishing things and getting stuff done but then go home and we just need to be and that's hard.
Recently I have lived in the Arab world which is more of a being culture in general than a doing culture (compared to the US) and this is something that really challenged me. I received a call one time from a 45 year old guy who just wanted to talk and say hi. No other reason. No topic. No objective. I was so uncomfortable with the conversation. It was really weird. But this guy was just being. He was being a friend. He had spent some time with me looking for a new apartment and now he just wanted to check in on me.
So I think that real relationships should be surfaced level I also think that we need to just be more than always having to do and this is particularly more true when it comes to relationships with women who, in general, are naturally more being than doing.