I Am Not A Man-Whore

A man wants the most he can have of many things in life; adventure, influence, and sex.

Sex is amazing. The closeness you feel. The safety of being with someone else in the most intimate way two people can be. No judgment, no conditions. It can be the greatest thing ever experienced. Plus it just feels incredible. But I am not a man-whore.

When my wife moved out, the list of things I grieved the loss of was far reaching. I missed knowing someone would be home waiting for me. I missed the smell of her hair. I missed the conversations we used to have about the stupidest things. I missed reaching out and holding her hand while I drove us home from a night out. I missed the "i love you"s on the phone. I could go on, but I am sure you wouldn't read it. The one thing that I didn't miss right away was sex, it was the million other things we shared in between. It was always my single friends that would mention that I wasn't getting any anymore. Funny thing about that is I hadn't been "getting any" for a long time before that. But now she was gone. And now people knew I was alone at night and they wanted to sympathize.

Do I want sex all the time? I am a man. What do you think? But I am also a MAN. I refuse to jump in bed with the first thing that walks in front of me because I know that the part of me shared with her, will be a part I can no longer share with my next wife, should she be out there. It has been a while and I am not ashamed of that fact. A little proud actually because I am in no short supply of offers. But I want more than a one night stand. I want the million other things too. Call me selfish if you want.

Drive Thru Conversations

When we go to the drive thru at a fast food joint, bank, or other service location, there are a few things we all look for: Fast service (it's called the drive thru for a reason), polite conversation that is direct and to the point, we want to be treated like an individual but without taking the time for the intimacy of a friendship. Some people are looking for that in a relationship.

My problem is that I do not enjoy surface level conversations. I hate small talk. I despise talking on the phone even for a few minutes unless there is a point or topic to cover. But I do this a hundred times a day. With customers, with coworkers, the lady working at the gas station today that had to tell me my car is "cute". I am good at these type of interactions which becomes the problem when I want to advance the relationship. I get way too personal and intimate way too quickly. I go from "how was your day?" to, "how are you coping with your emotional instabilities?". I really want to know so I can learn about and from others but it creeps people out when they aren't ready for it.

I want intimacy not a drive thru relationship. I want honest conversation with the point being genuine interest in the other person. I guess that's something I need to work on.

Confessions Of A Workaholic

I am in love...with working. I love the sense of accomplishment it offers. I enjoy doing the tasks that others dread like painting or mowing the lawn and even moving because at the end of the day, I am able to see the difference my hard work was able to make.

One thing I always look forward to is going to work and having another chance to organize, correct, create or destroy (I have also done some home remodeling and I got pretty good at the demo portion). When my wife moved out and things obviously were going down hill, I started going into work early and leaving late. Not because my performance was slipping and I had to make up the difference but because I knew that work was a safe place for me to be. I was comfortable with the people I worked with and they weren't going to leave me and take my couches with them. I knew I could go into work and not have to think about her or what she was doing or who she was with. I could just do my work. Bad idea.

When the time came for me to quit that job, I realized I was losing a part of me. I would no longer have stable employment. I would no longer have a cubicle to hide in or a pretend email to check up on to occupy my time. I would now have to face the world. I was talking to someone at work today that has gone through a similar circumstance and I asked if they had processed their divorce. The response I got scared me because it was too familiar. "I just focus on work now. I will deal with that later." My answer to that shocked them a bit because I said, what is going to happen when you find someone else and all you have to show for your time away from your ex is work. Do you think you will be ready emotionally when the time comes if all you do is work?

I think work is great. I think when you go through hard times, it is good not to stay in bed but to remain productive day to day, however, do not treat work as an escape. It will take everything you give it and give you nothing emotionally in return. Face your fears and take the time out to confront your feelings and not use that time to return phone calls you know can wait. But that's just what one guy thinks. Anyone feel differently?

Wine, Women and Song

Three things that I love and will never figure out.

I love music but I could never play. I took a few piano lessons which allows me to this day to play "The March Of The Middle C" and I dabbled with the guitar when I was a freshman in college like all good freshmen do and nailed the power chords. I love music. I love to sing along (even when I don't really know all the words. come on, you make up your own lyrics too.) with songs I have collected over time. Some classical, punk, oldies, ska, yes I said ska. So sue me. I was a big fan of the local scene for that summer. I have an unfounded variety of music and I love every bit of it. I don't know why. I grew up in a musically minded family with both sisters in choir and honor choir. One is working on her masters in music education, but that's them. Me, I just love it.

I love wine. I like beer too but I love wine. I love the tasting and the variety. I love the fact that you can open a bottle on any other day and it would taste different. I love that wine isn't about finding the wine everyone else loves, its about the ones you love. Wine is the journey, not the destination. I love that I will never run out wine to taste. I do not understand how my pallet is able to pick up different hints of cherry or pepper notes. I do not understand the process of grape to wine the way I should. People will always know more about it, but I will always love it.

I love women. I tried to come up with a list of things I love, but it would be too long. I love just about everything about them. This doesn't mean I understand them, I just love 'em. I could spend an eternity with all of them to try to figure them out but I think I would just be content with one.

1+1=?

It seems simple enough doesn't it? If you workout everyday and eat well, you will be healthy. If you study hard you'll get good grades and in turn will get your dream job making tons of money. If you love someone and work hard everyday to make them happy, they will love you back just as much and you will be happy together forever. Ahhh...ignorance is bliss.

When you take health class, they tell you by eating right and working hard to stay fit, you can live a long and healthy life, but they forget to mention that some people do that their entire lives and end up with cancer, heart disease or Alzheimer's. They forget to mention that although studying hard and getting good grades is a nice thing that can help you do better in school, employers only need to see that you have the degree or diploma. And that great job you were going to get making money doing the thing you love to do...maybe a 1 in a million shot. But totally worth it if you have time and money already. Finding "the one", marrying them, giving them all of you doesn't guarantee a lifetime of happiness free of tough choices and heartache. In fact, it only increases the chances of you experiencing those things.

Being in love is great. I am not saying I don't believe in love. I believe in love more now than ever before. I have seen it's power. I have seen it take me to places I never imagined and I have felt it squash me into the dirt. Love and life are not equations to be solved. I love watching the news tell me one week coffee is bad for me and then the next tell me it wards off brain tumors. I will drink coffee if I want to. What the end result will be for me is not dependent on the coffee I drink or don't drink. If you love, then love. Don't let anyone stop you. But know in the end, this isn't the end. Things change, people change, relationships change. You can't prepare for it. Just cherish it.

Anyone?

Just to clarify, just because I moved to so cal, (sorry, southern California for those of you not familiar with the lingo) does not mean I smoke a ton of weed. Are there people out here that do? You bet! Is it legal? I'll let you work that one out for yourself. I'm not here to tell you it is bad, I just do not partake and I never have. In the day after the "holiday", I saw several people still celebrating and I thought, I am glad I don't do drugs.

I have an addictive personality. Or is it a passionate personality? When I find something I love, you can not change my mind about it. Is the movie Good Burger a classic? No. Do I love it still? You bet. My first drink was cheap champagne at age 22. Gross. I still gag when I think about it. I didn't drink again for a couple of years then slowly worked my way into drinking via vodka cranberry and bud light. Now I consider myself a little bit of a wine snob and I will enjoy a taste every now and then. But I am so thankful for those people in my life that set the right example for me; you can enjoy something and not be controlled by it. My friends and family helped me to develop rules for myself to avoid trouble. Do not drink and drive, do not drink alone, do not drink to change your mood (for the good when your down or try to enhance a good time), and so on. If I did not have those rules when my life was seeming to crash down around me, I would be one sad man.

I am so thankful for limits. For friends who watched me and keep me accountable. For parents that didn't set a bad example for me. Without those in my life, I'm sure I would be one of those guys wandering into Taco Bell at 9am ordering six burritos. I don't do drugs and I never will. Period. Don't need 'em. Don't want 'em.

Epidemic Of Passivity

Too many times this week, I have come to an intersection involving a three-way stop. Not four. Just three. It seems to happen like this: the car in front of me is approaching the stop sign at the previously mentioned intersection when another car will appear and also approach the intersection. The first car comes to a stop and although the rule of traffic law in this country states the first car does indeed have the right of way, they will pause for an extended period of time. Now I consider myself to be a good driver (who doesn't?) and a cautious one as well. I know at times when the light is red, some will speed through it and while a turn signal may indicate the intention of the driver is to make a left turn they will sometimes veer to the right. So caution, I encourage. Passivity I do not.

Back to the example. The first car is stopped and waits for the second to come to the required complete stop before making his (or her) move. Note: there is, at this point, no other traffic except me who is not yet involved in the equation. The second car is stopped and as is the norm, waits for the first car to pass through. The first car then waves the other to make the turn onto the street. What?! What just happened here? Now the second car is confused and we all just sit there. Did you just assume the other car has to be at their final destination sooner than you and the cars behind you? Did you loose a contact and think it would be unsafe to continue forward? Why would you wave the other person ahead?

I am seeing this mentality in many situations; forming a line at the 10 items or less checkout and good luck holding the door open for a woman or heaven forbid, a man. Look, we all have 10 items or less or we wouldn't be trying to form a line here. It will make little difference if the guy with the two items goes before the guy with three. You do not loose any part of your dignity by going through a door held open for you. Stop being a jerk and debating me on who is going first. Go through the damned door already and let the rest of us get on with our lives instead of arguing in the entryway about female independence. I know your independent. Good for you.

Let's just agree caution is a good thing, being polite is a virtue, and acknowledge the fact we all have places to be and other things to do. Be nice. Be kind to each other. Stop being a wuss and get on with it already.

Who's Your Daddy

When the time came to divide the common property, I made a drastic statement that to this day I do not regret. I told her she can take what she wanted, but I will fight to the death for custody of the dog. We never had any children (something to be discussed some other time) and my dog in the years leading up to this time became my boy. He is not my first dog. All throughout my childhood I was fortunate enough to have parents who saw the importance of having a dog around to help us learn to be responsible and caring for smaller creatures. We always had strays or rescue dogs. Usually they were small mutt mixes with no pedigree to speak of but they almost always ended up being my dogs. I loved these dogs. They were my friends when I had none. They played with me when Mom and Dad were busy with the other kids or with work.

When I got hitched and moved into my own place, we decided the place we were at was too small for pets. We then bought a huge house and it took us a while until we figured out the house felt a little empty. We needed to hear the pitter-patter of little feet and we were not ready for kids. Not long after we started thinking about getting a dog, a great friend of mine offered me a deal I couldn't pass up. He was moving into a smaller townhouse and his dog would not be comfortable there. The dog is an 80 pound boxer named Tyson. He is housebroken but not too bright. He told me Tyson was a good dog but not very trainable. He would give the dog to me and he would include renewed shots, cage, toys, and food for a month. He would be my first big dog and I was nervous but how could I say no?

When my friend brought him over the first time, he suggested I get a long chain to put him out on. I told him I wanted to try just setting his boundaries instead. I walked him around the yard twice on the leash and after that he never left the property. In the next few weeks I trained him to walk next to me on the trail without a leash, the classics (shake, sit, come, jump, roll over, etc.) and he could not be a better dog.

He was my rock at a time when my wife left. He was my buddy when I was feeling down. He always is ready for a hug when I need one and I'm a hugger so that is a lot. I don't know what I would have done without him. Anyone who has met him instantly can tell he is my dog. I could have taken the couches and the bed but nothing can replace that smiling mug when I come home and a good hug whenever I need one.

What Women Want

VS. what they say they want.

So if every woman only needed a man who made her laugh and had a good sense of humor (translation: laugh when she makes a joke but never at her), there would be a lot more less attractive guys with wonderful women. As previously discussed, behaving like an ass and driving a nice car is really important. At this moment the women reading this will scoff at first but then they will  instantly think back to the crush from high school or college I have just described. Women need to be secure physically, emotionally and financially. They will look twice if he has nice abs (or a cute butt), if he is poetic and/or a good listener, and he has little to no debt, a nice car, nice clothes, and a great job she can feel good about telling other people about. ie: "he's a doctor." Now seriously, ladies, you would at least look twice.

http://www.forbes.com/2006/02/11/savage-money-sex_cz_ds_money06_0214savage.html

Maybe not. Maybe we only see what we want to see. Maybe I see that women only want tight abs and a fat portfolio because that's what I want and don't have. I may be projecting my wants onto her and translating hers as only mine. Damn. I am one selfish bastard.

Can you spare any change?

No one woman (or man) can describe what the entire gender desires, but I have done some research and experienced it myself, and I am disappointed with what I have found. Women will sacrifice a true love for a chance to live the life she has only ever dreamed of. Some have sacrificed the person they "love" for the chance to get out of a small town or even to stay in the small town.

Let me reiterate, this is not a woman hating blog and it will never be. Ladies, let us know what you really want. You will be surprised at how much some of us will sacrifice ourselves to make your dreams come true.

Roller Bumper Cars

I'll give you a second just to wrap your head around that. That's how life sometimes though. You're moving along on the track, headed in the direction you know you're supposed to go. Along the way you experience some highs and lows, but you will always be moving forward. All of the sudden, you ram into one of the other cars coming to a violent stop. You are caught completely off your guard and now, weary and confused, you go through a series of questions in your mind. Why did that happen? I thought I was going the right way. Was I not? Why did this happen to me? What did I do to make this happen? Who is to blame for this disaster? What can I do to avoid this next time? Can I avoid this next time or is this really the ride I got on?

Once the choice is made to spend your life with someone and they say the words "to death do us part", at that point you can not hear the much needed "really?" you should have asked much earlier. I love the vows made in the movie Invention of Lying: "...and do you take him...for as long as you want?" That is really what wedding vows have become. I do (as long as it's easy and I stay happy but as soon as it gets tough or stuff gets a little too real, I'm out). I wanted forever. I worked towards forever. But it seemed like my world was shattered when she said she was leaving. My heart stopped when the judge asked the final divorce ruling question, do you believe there is any possibility of reconciliation. I think up to that exact moment, a small part of me truly thought we could work things out. Even there in the courtroom, I thought maybe we can just leave here together and make things right. We didn't. Her answer was a cold "no" and with that, my heart slammed to the floor.

For the last six months, with the help of friends, the love of family, and a determination that God wasn't done with me yet, I have picked up the pieces. I started fresh with a new job, new state (CA, but we'll get to that later), and a new mission; to find out who I was without the person I thought I couldn't live without. Some say I ran away. I don't think I did. I just needed to be able to breathe without the thought of her in my head. I needed to do something big on my own like drive across the country in a 95 Mercury Tracer with all of my belongings, including the dog. I did it. I have since found employment, entirely paid off the credit card debt she and I had built over the last six years, made new friends, become a wine snob, lost 30 pounds, learned how to ride a motorcycle, dated a handful of great women, and grown closer to God than any other point in my life. I won't say that the divorce didn't destroy me. It did. But I am now back on top of my game and better for it. Maybe when the next pile up happens it won't throw me as far.

Nice Guys Finish Last Part 2

"Girls don't like boys. Girls like cars and money."

Note: this is not a woman hating blog. Yesterday, we established that good girls like the bad boy, asshole types. But why? Is it because they get to be with someone others see as strong or well liked? Is it because they have a lowered sense of self worth enforced by bad family support growing up or by the video girl culture as seen on tv? Maybe they have been trained that all guys like all the same things. Fast cars and fast women. All guys like sports and because of this, you must speak the lingo during games and love all things macho. Truth be told, bad guys like you to like that. Maybe I am speaking for myself only here, but I do not want to be in a relationship, marry, or date one of my bros. I would like a woman please if it isn't too much to ask. A woman who wants to be a woman and respects me for being a man. Not a woman who is trying to turn me into one of her gal pals to go shopping and get our nails done. There is a fine balance there as well.

So to turn a 50 page novella into a single days worth of blog, women, be yourselves. If you like cars, bonus. If you are better at working on cars than me, get to work and I'll help. If you feel the urge to blurt out random cars' horsepower and torque, maybe we should see other people.

By the way, in the search for more answers to this dilemma, I happened upon an interesting tip. Good girls go for bad guys but bad girls go for good guys. In this scenario who really wins in the end? Nice guys may finish last, but they don't totally loose. I think I'll stick to the nice guy track.

Any advise or more insight into the topic? Feel free to comment. That's what that spot down there at the bottom is for.
Thanks for your support Michelle. You are a woman worth far more than rubies and your husband lacks nothing of value.

Nice Guys Finish Last Part 1

Too many times I have been asked "how do I find a nice guy like you?" My first reaction is that there is one standing right in front of you but then I always ask, where they are looking. Many times the first answer is a bar, or clubs or whatever dance party is happening that week. I loathe clubs. I do not dance. (in public. i am an excellent car dancer. you know, where you are singing along and imagining your feet are doing amazing things. no homo.) After spending time on the road for a training job I had, I began to get comfortable with the hotel bar scene and eventually have grown to enjoy watching the occasional UFC fight and sharing some drinks with the other patrons at the local bar. These are mostly not good guys. These are mostly guys who: 1. don't have anywhere else to be, 2. couldn't come up with a better idea, or 3. need a place they can feel remotely comfortable walking up to the hot girl at the other end of the bar, get turned down, and go right back to drinking. Why do women go to places like these, meet the slime that prowl the dance floor, and then are let down in the end because the guy turned out to be a jerk. How can you be surprised?

Today I was discussing where to meet people for the purpose of dating. Suggestions from the women at work (and I am not making this up): the store, at a gas station, produce aisle, footlocker. Apparently it is ok just to walk up to a stranger pumping their gas and ask for their number. Forgive me for being old fashioned, but I need to have a conversation with someone first before I ask them for their number. I have been a nice guy for too long I think. Since middle school, I only have memories of the tools in the class getting all the girls. The guys with the jerseys and chains, that call women bitches are the ones that had dates to prom. The idiots who forget birthdays and avoid her family, who drive nice cars they can't afford and blow cheap cigarette smoke into her face, the guys who drink Natty Light and go to strip clubs, those are the ones with the hot women. So what does a nice guy get?

I suppose I get to go to the bar and watch the game alone and I know some friends who envy my ability to do so, but that's just about it. What I want to know; where are the nice girls? why do they go for the a**holes first? why do the nice guys finish last?

Want More, Do Ya?

So with only six followers and the page being viewed more than 80 times, I figure you want more. I spoke with a few people about how to not bore you with the same dredge as what I apologetically post on my facebook page. I will start by saying I am writing this for selfish reasons. Well, mostly. I have been asked by a small number of people to write about some of the conversations that come up between us but I want to be more specific than that. I think what this will be is a window into the life of a divorcee making his way back into the wild world of the loveless also known as "single and searching" or "SWM seeking soul mate".

Things are different now and I have been forced to remove the rose colored glasses marriage used to provide. I have no secrets, for those of you who know me and maybe at times I will share too much hence the adult content warning. (to be honest, I haven't decided if I will allow myself to swear in my posts. Have an opinion on that? Please share below.) It has been an adventure so far and I think if you will allow me a few minutes every now and then you'll learn something about something. If I start to ramble, I will be sure to include a useless trivia note so it won't be a total loss.

Thanks for your interest.

Sand melts at 3,100 degrees Fahrenheit

Car Seat -or- Convertible

Two things I would love to have but seem to contradict one another.

I would love to drive a convertible, with the sun on my neck, speeding down the highway. I have never thought of myself as the soft California guy who drives the Porche 911 with the top down 7 days a week so don't get me confused with that guy. I would be more of the classic Cadillac guy that takes the top down on the way to some weekend car show. I would have a different car for the daily grind on the 15 and for making airport runs for friends that take advantage of the fact that you're off on Mondays, but a weekend convertible...that would be great. The only issue is, in a car like that, one does not usually find a car seat, booster seat, or lick to stick sun shade.

I would love to be able to enjoy all the implications that come with the car seat as well. I would love to be the prepared dad with all the things that come with having a kid. I would love to be the guy that has spit up on his shirt when he walks into the Thursday staff meeting but doesn't realize it. I would love to be the guy who finds himself taking the kids for a stroll in the park, realizes too late how hot it is outside and decides he needs a drink of juice from the sippy cup. Problem is, with that guy, he doesn't have the extra money to spend on that classic car in the garage used only on the weekends.

So I need to decide which path to follow: Car seat or Convertible?